Is that New Date a Sociopath?
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her top signs to identify a sociopath.
I frequently cover and revisit the issue of when someone discovers that they're dating a sociopath. Firstly, it's fascinating territory and more common than you’d think with some people describing sociopathic behaviour as being with a “bad boy”. Fortunately, the description of “bad boy” downplays the seriousness of these situations.
Estimates vary but around 2-4% of the population have the traits of a sociopath. This means that if you've been single for a time, and are actively looking, then you are likely to come across a sociopathic personality.
Sociopaths can be hard to detect because the first part of their MO (modis operandi) is to charm you beyond measure. This is how a man, or a female sociopath, lures someone in - by making you feel you are the most special person.
This can be powerful stuff especially if you've been single a long time and are potentially on the lonely side.
However, at some point their behaviour starts to change. It can happen quite abruptly or be a slow drip feed of not such great behaviour, for example, they start arriving later and later for a meet up rather than showing up on time.
Top tips to help you spot a sociopath:
* First off, listen to your intuition and instincts. If your intuition starts telling you that this seemingly perfect person actually isn't perfect, then start listening to it.
* A sociopathic personality wants to gain control over you. So you might find they start playing hot-cold with you and you’re never quite sure where you are with them. Keep a close eye on this behaviour. Challenge it in a confident way along the lines of: I’m never quite sure what mood you’ll be in, is something going on?
*Watch out if you catch them out! A true sociopath is very good at lying. But beware if you have proof that they have lied to you, and you confront them with it. They do not like being caught out and can get extremely argumentative and unpleasant when challenged. I don't want to sound extreme but take care when confronting this person.
* A sociopath can pretend to be very good at listening and this is another way that they hook someone in, who feels, for instance, that their last partner never listened to them. One study a few years back found that people who admitted they were sociopathic say they try to be a very good listener because, to paraphrase, they know “it works”.
*The tide can change abruptly - once a sociopath feels in control they often then pick away at your self-esteem. Because previously they've been so loving and attentive to you, many will give them the benefit of the doubt. This is what they want. They want to undermine you so that they can get away with how they want to treat you. This is when you need to consider ending things. Yes, maybe they’re just going through a bad patch. And with boundaries they get back on track with good behaviour. But maybe not!
*True gaslighting starts – when you start setting your boundaries and telling them, for example, you're unhappy with X, Y, or Z, that's when they will turn it around and say that it's all your fault. When this happens you know you are dealing with someone who wants to control and undermine you. I would strongly suggest this is when you end it and don't think about giving them third or fourth chances.
Go with your gut, discuss what’s happening with a trusted friend, ask yourself if you’d treat someone they way they treat you (no!), and leave them behind.
Good luck, Pam x
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If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
